Verse I through XXXIV
“We all want to break our orbits, float like a satellite gone wild in space, run the risk of disintegration. We all want to take our lives in our own hands and hurl them out among the stars.” ― David Bottoms
I mulled over what I should write about in my first post. I wondered if I should keep it short and sweet and just introduce the site. Whether I should recycle one of the popular entries from my former blog. I thought maybe sharing a longer creative work, similar to the shorter posts on social networking, might be compelling. I was giving myself performance anxiety from being so invested in starting this off right that I was never going to start...if I did not get out of my own head.
To be woefully honest, sometimes ideas are my kryptonite. For me, having too many ideas can mean having no freaking idea. When you are a perpetually curious somebody like yours truly, everything fascinates you on some visceral level, is mentally cataloged, and then shelved. When attempting a draft, the conflict between trying to find my “what” and, if I do, how to define “it,” oftentimes, is paralyzing.
From a very young age, writing (and reading) shaped my worldview and gave me a voice. There were times I felt, writing was my only voice. Upon reflection of how I ended up where I have been, or the opportunities I have received, I realized that, in large, they happened because of my connection to “words.” My affinity for them, on every cognitive and professional level, drives me. So it has occurred to me how crazy I was for neglecting it creatively over the last three years.
Part of the reason why I started writing creatively again was because that inner voice was annoying me. Other me was often questioning whether there was something I could contribute, in my own way, that could touch others. While social networking is great for engaging with different individuals, expressing your point of view, and exposing yourself to new ideas, I did consider whether I would have an impact though a more cohesive medium. As previously stated, I was shaped and inspired by writing, i.e., through the work and efforts of other creatives and observers either through books, television, or music. Without those resources, who knows what kind of person I would be. What remains now, at this stage in my life, is finding out what kind of writer I could be.
Those that know me or have the “great fortune” of conversing with me (namaste), would say I am very opinionated. There are a very little few however, who have experienced the true range or depth of my expression. Unfortunately, because I have not always had the best experiences, I was more reticent and reserved in my verbal and written communication. Oftentimes, as a matter of principle, I chose only to communicate on a more superficial level. In specific instances, due to cultural and social conditioning, I could be very guarded, defensive, or rebellious, but more so than naught, I routinely wore a mask of varying levels of mirth or indifference. Mercurial me. This could explain the inconsistencies in my writing style because whatever my natural state of being was, it happened to be in regular conflict with my first education. That conflict between self, group, and voice might make a good story for some, but in my case, it did not make a consistently strong writer.
As is the nature of growing pains, it took some time before I grew less invested in cultural and social contrivances and rejected the point of view outfit I put on. In shedding that costumed skin, I wanted to, no needed to, make more connections, different connections than I previously had been exposed to. I wanted to know what I did not know before. I wanted to discover people (maybe characters), because I was no longer satisfied with just observing them. But this journey, as most journeys are, is a process. One I am still working through. My ongoing journey for deeper self-awareness, staying open, being vulnerable, and maintaining objectivity never ends because the benefit in continued expansion means, for me, more authentic perspective and perception. If the trade-off in venturing further into my mental real estate is making some of the live-action storybook in my head corporeal. Then this hard, and sometimes painful, work does not seem so bad.
Before I close, I do want to share one personal reason, amongst many, of why I got back on the horse. For roughly 2-3 years, I was feeling a bit disenchanted and demotivated. When very busy, or engrossed in some project, I was beginning to discover that what may have felt like passion, was really just an illusion. I would be remiss if I did not mention I am profusely appreciative of my blessings though. I have had the fortune to accomplish quite a bit and I have reaped rewards. I have had great experiences, made wonderful friends, and have very little regrets, so I would hate for this to be interpreted negatively by others who may be similarly situated and are content. Purpose for me, is defined differently by every individual and if you have reached it, or are secure in it, I salute you. I, however, need a little more time to cook.
I do hope, affirm, and pray (to God, Jesus, and all his latter day brethren) that this is not some delusion of grandeur, dissatisfaction with green grass, or chasing of a dream deferred. I feel there is something inside of me that I am not using, or if I was using it, it was not for its greatest intended purpose. For years I dreamt of writing a book, specifically a YA series (anecdote for another day), but I was not living my best writing life. Yes, I still wrote in alternative ways, either through social networking, work, or my notes app, but it was always just a temporary fix. Maybe, due to complacency or fear of the unknown or failure, I used those mediums as stand-ins, or well-placed distractions for the untold stories inside of me. But trust and believe, your girl, is so over it.
So here I am, using this blog to make myself more accountable, take a chance on my writing, and share with you some introspective creativity, occasional socio-psychological/cultural commentary, and mercurial musings I have oft been protective of and maybe failed myself in not sharing before today.
Thank you for coming on this journey with me, I hope you enjoy yourself here.